When I go to a department store to buy new t-shirts, I hear an audible sigh of released tension when I walk past racks of t-shirts that I decided not to buy. That’s because t-shirts can sense a new owner that isn’t going to take care of them or treat them with any kind of dignity or respect. That horrid new owner is someone like me.

When I drag my pitiable body out of bed each morning, it is very easy for me to get dressed. I always wear t-shirts and they are always in a big, messy lump of clothes at the foot of my bed. My clean clothes pile is much different then my dirty clothes pile, because it is much smaller and closer to my hand when I sit on the edge of my bed.

After waking up, you get to enjoy some morning stretches as one of my t-shirts. Because I am an unhealthy blob of a man, most of my t-shirts don’t fit me so well anymore. This is rectified by putt my shirt on only halfway and jamming my elbows outward to literally jam the tee over my body more comfortably.

Once you’re completely stretched out of shape, you are then smoothed over with my hands…as if that ever has worked to get wrinkled out of t-shirts. You then get to enjoy breakfast with me, as it is almost certain that you will have part of it dropped down onto you. You’ll be marked with a dark grease spot for the rest of the day, and I really won’t care that much at all.

The rest of your day is spent mostly functioning as t-shirts function…as clothing. A good 10% of your day, however, is spent as my personal bib/napkin. It is far too much trouble looking for an actual napkin, so you get the gritty task of cleaning undesirable messes from my fingertips. Gravy, motor oil, and bacon grease are all likely to end up as new stains that will take several washes to make disappear.

After your long, hard journey is over you are shunted from off my sweaty back and placed in the other pile of clothes in my room. This pile is for dirty t-shirts, and the like. You are far to dirty to wear again, so it’s in the wash you must go. Typically, this could take several days. If you happen to join the dirty pile on wash day, however, you are in luck.

Your experience in the washing machine with the other dirty t-shirts is not a pleasant one. I have learned a long time ago that it takes really hot water to get out most food stains, so you are punished severely for my sloppiness. You will most likely shrink, but your ritual morning-stretching will return you to the appropriate shape and size.

Let us all hope for your sake that people never get reincarnated into inanimate objects. Most people are good, but a few may be awful enough to be sent back to earth as one of the t-shirts belonging to a socially awkward, disorganized, fat nerd.

More information is available about t-shirts at t-shirts to learn more.

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