Women are clever! Don’t mess with them!

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.
I’ve been a good husband to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called
to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last
straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had
gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes,
and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You
don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t want sex anymore, or
anything. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore.
Whatever the case is, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear EX-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
husband is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much
because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad
that doesn’t work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week.
The first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!”
But my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say anything
nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on
because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning … And your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this,
I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have
the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your
letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Your EX-Wife – Rich as Hell and Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but Carla, my sister, was
born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. “No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven’t done any since… and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, “Okay, enough already, I’ll do the damn dishes!”

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.

27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway.

St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see
you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though,
that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been
administering an entrance examination for everyone. The
test is short, but you have to pass it before you can
get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It shor is good to be here , St. Peter,
sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor
hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as
it was.”

St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is
only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God’s first name?”

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns
the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and
says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one — which two days in
the week begin with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one’s
easy. That’d! be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint’s eyes
open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest, that’s not what I
was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I
didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?” asks St. Peter.

“How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and
thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be
twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest,
how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve
seconds in a year?”

Forrest says “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd. . …”

“Hold it, ” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re
going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn’t
quite what I had in mind….but I’ll have to give you
credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the third and
final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”?

“Sure”, Forrest replied, “its Andy.”

“Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
“Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to
my first two questions,but just how in the world did you
come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied.
“I learnt it from the song. . “ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS
WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: “Run Forrest, run.”

 THIS MIGHT
SAVE A LIFE!

Our newest hostess for an American TV variety show. 

Where the hell did We Go Wrong?

‘Is yer Dad home?’ the rancher asked.

‘No sir, he ain’t,’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’

‘Well,’ said the rancher, ‘is yer Mom here?’

‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’

‘How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?’

‘He went with Mom and Dad.’

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

‘Is there any thing I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely. ‘I knows
where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer Dad.’

‘Well,’ said the rancher uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer
Dad. It’s about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant.’

The boy considered for a moment. ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that’
he finally conceded.

‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for
the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’