2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Bonus Comment:
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”. The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn’t want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana
watching the sunrise.

He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his
arm. He yells out, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back, “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says, “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says, “Gonna catch some chickens.”

Old man yells, “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s
surprise he is
dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and
he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old
man yells out “Hey boy, ! whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of duct tape.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks”.

Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man’s
amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with
about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying
what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.”

Old man says “Wait up, I’ll get my hat.”

2. Are your parents retarded, ’cause you’re sure special.

3. My Love for you is like diarrhea … I can’t hold it in.

4. Do you have a library card, ’cause I’d like to sign you out.

5. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6. If you and I were Squirrels, I’d store my nuts in your hole.

7. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8. “Fat Penguin!” I know you’re going, ‘huh?’ “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

9. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12. If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

and…. the best for last!

13. Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______ Glass of wine
______ Margarita
______ Martini
______ Cold Beer
______ Chicken fried steak and cream gravy
______ Mexican food
______ French fries
______ Pizza
______ Bowl of ice cream
______ Cup of tea
______ Chocolate
______ Sex It should be presumed that I’d rather be dead.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Tennessee The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her
into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee
and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much
would you take off?’The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my
earrings.’

AlabamaA group of

Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked.’Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the
trail,’ the successful hunter replied.

‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.

‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter.. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!’

Texas Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, ‘Why are you dumping garbage in the
ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head’. ‘Yep’, he replied.
‘That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’. 

Louisiana  A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes,
I hope to be in Louisiana.’ When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in
Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in
the rest of the civilized world. 

Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking
lot!’Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’

The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’

Georgia A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked,
‘Got any I. D.?’The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’

North CarolinaA man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’

The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’

The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back.  Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’

And this from

South Carolina‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of
anyone wanting to retire to the North.

‘Is yer Dad home?’ the rancher asked.

‘No sir, he ain’t,’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’

‘Well,’ said the rancher, ‘is yer Mom here?’

‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’

‘How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?’

‘He went with Mom and Dad.’

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

‘Is there any thing I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely. ‘I knows
where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer Dad.’

‘Well,’ said the rancher uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer
Dad. It’s about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant.’

The boy considered for a moment. ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that’
he finally conceded.

‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for
the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

“Lord almighty” he says to himself, “my three favorite things

Bubba  died in a fire and his body was burned pretty  badly.

 The  morgue needed someone to identify the  body,

 so  they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and  Gomer.

 The  three men had always done everything  together.

 Cooter  arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the  sheet,

 Cooter  said,  ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.  You  better roll him over.’  

 The mortician rolled him over and  Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Bubba.’        

 The  mortician thought this was rather  strange.

 So  he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the  body.                                         

 Gomer  looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll  him over.’    

 The mortician rolled him over and  Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Bubba.’        

 The  mortician asked, ‘How can you  tell?’ 

 Gomer  said, ‘Well, Bubba had two assholes.’                                 

 ’What?   He had two assholes?’ asked  the  mortician.              

 ’Yup,  we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to  say,

 ’There’s  Bubba with them two  assholes.’

There's no mention of Sisters or Cousins