Got Funny » Religious Jokes

A little church humor

Mee — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:21:36 +0000

Church
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
“Why not?” she asked.
I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “(1), they don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You’re 59 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. “No.” he said. “I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked. “No.” she said. “Good,” he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”
The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”
The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole.”
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ”
“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .”
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.”

A conversation with Jesus

Mee — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:53:51 +0000

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a scotch and soda along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said, “Jesus, why do I work so hard?”
Jesus replied, “Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather.”
I said: “I thought that money was the root of all evil.”
Jesus replied, “No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad.”
I was starting to feel better, but I still had a few burning questions, so I asked, “Jesus, what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?”
Jesus replied: “That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn.”

Jesus And Satan

Mee — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:13:35 +0000

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God
was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said,
‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that
will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the
better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.They faxed.They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded. They did spreadsheets!They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reportsThey did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed

across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the powerwent off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted theircomputers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: ‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I losteverything when the
power went out!’Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
the past two hours of work.Satan observed this and became irate. ‘Wait!’ he screamed.
‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have
any?’

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

Cow’s Milk

Mee — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 12:01:53 +0000

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to
make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey
received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother Superior the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Don’t sell that cow

BAPTIST Cowboy

Mee — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 08:41:09 +0000

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quie puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.