Got Funny

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 milesper hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
“I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”
 The wife says nothing,Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out ofit,”He says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend,And she’s a far better lover than you are.”
 Again the wife stays quiet,But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases thespeed to 55
 He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently..
 Up to 60.
“I want the car, too,” he continues.
 65 mph.
“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards andthe boat!”
 The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.This makes him nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything youwant?”
 The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.”No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says.”Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall, she turns to him and smiles:
“The airbag!”
 Moral of the Story :

Women are clever! Don’t mess with them!

This one is a little old, but funny as hell. Did you ever wonder who is on the other end?

1. Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2. Are your parents retarded, ’cause you’re sure special.

3. My Love for you is like diarrhea … I can’t hold it in.

4. Do you have a library card, ’cause I’d like to sign you out.

5. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6. If you and I were Squirrels, I’d store my nuts in your hole.

7. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8. “Fat Penguin!” I know you’re going, ‘huh?’ “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

9. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12. If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

and…. the best for last!

13. Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

 Dear Wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.
I’ve been a good husband to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called
to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last
straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had
gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes,
and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You
don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t want sex anymore, or
anything. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore.
Whatever the case is, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear EX-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
husband is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much
because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad
that doesn’t work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week.
The first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!”
But my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say anything
nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on
because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning … And your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this,
I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have
the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your
letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Your EX-Wife – Rich as Hell and Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but Carla, my sister, was
born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.